The Darkness

Developer: Starbreeze Studios
Publisher: 2K Games
Released on: June 25, 2007
System Xbox 360, Playstation 3
ESRB Rating: Mature
Review based on: Demo downloaded from Xbox Live.
Official Site

The Scoop: "Sopranos" meets "The Exorcist". Based on the comic book that I didn't bother to read.

Hitting Start...

• A cutscene introduces my character: I'm Jackie, I'm Italian, and I'm a mobster. There's one racial stereotype that just won't die.
• I'm in the backseat of a car driven by two of my "crew" who yak on and on about something I should be paying attention to (but I'm not). Just shut-up and give me my damn Darkness powers already!
  
• "COPS!" Wha~! Where!? I can't turn around and look behind me! Is my character in a neck-brace or something?
• I'm given a shotgun and told to use it. On what? Oncoming semi-trucks? I don't think that will get them out of our way.
• The high-speed chase ends with our car being flipped. I get the same result every time I let the wife drive.
• The demo skips ahead to level 3 (I think), a graveyard. I still don't have any Darkness powers yet, but at least I have a couple of gats! (That's what the kids call them, right?)
• Attacked by hitmen—a lot of hitmen! I go down in a blaze of gunfire. Now, Darkness powers! Unleash your anger and avenge me!
• Nope, no such luck; I'm just respawned back to the beginning of the level. :(
• Hitmen attack again! Damn; Jackie aims like he's in the middle of schizophrenic fit! I go down again in a blaze of gunfire. It's not me; it's the controls!
• New strategy: charge the hitmen with both guns blazing. It works! Bah, taking cover is for wimps!
• Tip to remember: you can change weapons with the D-Pad. I imagine the shotgun is more effective at shooting fleshy targets, as opposed to the four-wheeled variety.
• I somehow jerk-walk my way into a bathroom that is home to a bum. "This place smells like Satan's bunghole!" proclaims the bum. Heh, heh; I'll have to use that at the next office Christmas party.
• I make my way back to the graveyard only to find more hitmen waiting for me. But what's this? Darkness powers unleashed! Finally!
• So now I have demon-snakes growing out of me. "Consume the darkness to recharge your powers". What the hell is that supposed to mean?
• Okay, I'm an idiot. "Consume the darkness" literally means stand in the shadows and your snakes will eat the darkness. Yeah, I know; it sounds dumb even as I type it.
• I'm supposed to guide my snake through a grate so it can kill a guy in another room. Sounds cool...if only I could control my snake! (There's a joke in there somewhere.)
• "Press A to devour heart". Sure, why not? It worked for my last girlfriend. Ba-zing!
• My snakes are now eating hearts with reckless abandon. But for what purpose? I know not. But according to a pop-up counter, I have consumed 37.
• I wasn't paying attention, but somehow I can summon demons that will attack my enemies. I really should get checked for Attention Deficit Disorder.
• Okay, I figured it out. Arise demons, and attack!
• I find the sight of my demon sawing off the head of my enemies with a hacksaw both disgusting and compelling at the same time.
  
• More enemies! Demons attack!...I said attack! What the hell—where'd they go? These things part of a Union or something?
  
• Killing these enemies is starting to get monotonous, and my Darkness powers aren't the impressive "force to be reckoned with" that I thought they would be. Not to mention the stiff controls—I wonder if the retail game is this bad....

...and I'm quitting!

Am I impressed? Not really.
How come? Poor controls, washed-out graphics, and a story that I did not find very compelling, no matter how many hearts I ate.