Age of Empires: The Age of Kings

Developer: Backbone Entertainment
Publisher: Majesco
Released on: February 14, 2006
System Nintendo DS
ESRB Rating: E10+
Review based on: Rented retail copy.
Official Website

The Scoop: A turn-based port of the PC version of Age of Empires II: Age of Kings. Research technologies, advance out of the Dark Ages, build stuff, and smite your enemies!

Hitting Start...

• I'm lame, so I hit up the tutorial first off.
• The tutorial starts with me controlling the French and their "heroine" Joan of Arc. I try to stifle my enthusiasm.
• The first part of the tutorial is pretty basic—learn to move your units. Instructions are provided to me by my comrade, Jean de Metz. I like the art style; the portrait of Jean de Metz looks like a medieval tapestry.
• I don't like the unit graphics. They look a little deformed. I know inbreeding was big during the time, but come on!
• Moving units is a simple affair: touch the unit with the stylus and select where you want it to move. Terrain affects movement as well as your attack strength. Aha! Strategic elements are starting to bubble to the surface.
• My primary goal is to move my units to the city of Chifon. Aside from primary goals, each scenario has bonus goals that when met, unlock "Empire Points", which you use to buy stuff that should have been unlocked right from the get go.
• Enemy militia are blocking the river—attack Joan! My calvary gets a combat bonus because it is attacking from flat terrain. An animation of the two sides battling plays in the top screen. The graphics are hideous. And for some reason, it reports that I have killed all the militia, yet two of them remain standing in the top screen. Maybe I took them prisoner?
• I finally reach Chifon. "I have never taken so long to ride to Chifon before!" Shut-up Jean.
• I continue on with the tutorial. Now I'm learning how to use different types of units. Some units are better at fighting certain units, and they get a bonus. For example, spearmen get a bonus when attacking calvary. Siege units get a bonus when attacking cities. Combine that with terrain bonuses and you have a hearty little strategy game here. I like it!
• Jean: "You ride well for a peasant girl." Uhhh..thanks? (What's this game rated again?)
• Now I'm learning about using my villagers to construct unit-training buildings. This game feels a lot like the PC version of Age of Empires, but in a turn-based form. I'm liking this.
• Time to select a technology to research. Gotta pick "The Loom"! How the hell can we all be snazzy dressers without that?!
• Now I am tasked to bitch-slap the English. "I shall fart in your general direction!"
  
• I research a couple of more techs, and I "Age Up" to the next age.
  
• I can see a problem with units becoming too crowded on the map screen. When they are bunched together, it's hard to pick the one you want. It's equally hard to tell it to move to the right square. Thank God there's an "Undo Move" option.
• I've built some archers, spearmen, men-at-arms, and I have Joan. Time to get all "Napoleon" on their ass! "My loyal Frenchman....SURRENDER! I mean...ATTACK!"

...and I want to keep beating on the bloody English!

Am I impressed? Oui! Tres impressed!
How come? Great turn-based strategy game; a large number of units; lots of techs to research; and it has wireless and hotseat multiplayer.